Onward in the search: creating a 'role'

The process of deciding the title of a post is an interesting one - not so much for literary value as for the fact that it reflects the purpose and focus of the post. Since the same event can have different connotations depending on how one looks at it, this is simply a process of attaching meaning. If this sounds cryptic, you'll know what I'm talking about as you read on.

The book of my exploration has moved forward by one more chapter. To some, it might seem regressive. But to me, no experience is - not as long as one's learning from it. Newer mistakes every time. My role at TFI didn't work out, and I ended my stint there in a month. This is an event from last week. I had a candid conversation with the CEO, and we were both uncomfortable with my continuing in the EA role. Simply put, I wasn't built for it, nor was it giving me what I was looking for. I detected and corrected a flaw in my original premise - that observing Shaheen closely to learn from what she has created, would still be a second-hand view. I wasn't getting my hands into any of the things I wanted to build on - thereby not 'experiencing', only observing. The experience that my work there might have given me (apart from 'stability' - that evasive creature) would've been of a different kind - but not necessarily in the area of my strengths or taking me closer to my purpose.

No experience is in vain, so I won't dispute the merit in sticking on to it for longer despite the role or work not fitting in my scheme of things. However, a part of me kept me from committing to the work fully; that part which is craving for expression. This no longer became about a second-switch, as much as about giving myself a complete chance. So also, not committing after taking it up was my mistake, but I daresay the original mistake was taking it up in the first place without putting myself in the role and imagining what a day in my work-life would look like. Whether it would truly give me joy. I jumped at the chance for 'liberation' that I spoke about in my previous post, so much that I failed to think through this completely. Anyway, I have no regrets. Only lessons.

I could've titled this post 'Goodbye TFI' or 'Why I decided to move out', but in an instant realized that it would amount to defending the decision or giving an explanation. You might see some of the latter in this post, but the former is quite unnecessary. It's tempting to defend oneself when there are attacks from all around, albeit well-intended ones. But the point is to redirect that energy towards looking inward - what went behind the events, what I learn and take ahead from this, and where I intend going from here. Criticism sure can, and has been draining - especially for an idealist who also wants to see people around her happy. Hence the conscious attempt to move away from defense and look forward.

The reactions this time round have been a little different, obviously. The people who disapproved of my quitting HUL have expressed an even stronger disapproval of leaving TFI. Peers who admired that move towards 'finding what you want to do' are now intrigued and curious - several have asked me for regular updates on what I am upto and have shown a keen interest in seeing what shape this takes. My own questions within have somewhat changed - only the quest remains as it were.

Where to from here? The world of possibilities is open in front of me. Another name for this is Ambiguity. Uncertainty. Chaos. In a state where I want to do ten different things, all of which I either enjoy doing or am good at, the challenge is to prioritize and focus. Writing, teaching, theatre, voice-overs, workshops...it's a long list. And a promising one. I want to know what my role in the larger scheme of things is. What is my life's purpose? A philosophical question like this deserves more than just dinner discussions - and I'm willing to give it that.

The ocean has begun showing its turbulence...I'm learning to swim.