Onward in the search: creating a 'role'

The process of deciding the title of a post is an interesting one - not so much for literary value as for the fact that it reflects the purpose and focus of the post. Since the same event can have different connotations depending on how one looks at it, this is simply a process of attaching meaning. If this sounds cryptic, you'll know what I'm talking about as you read on.

The book of my exploration has moved forward by one more chapter. To some, it might seem regressive. But to me, no experience is - not as long as one's learning from it. Newer mistakes every time. My role at TFI didn't work out, and I ended my stint there in a month. This is an event from last week. I had a candid conversation with the CEO, and we were both uncomfortable with my continuing in the EA role. Simply put, I wasn't built for it, nor was it giving me what I was looking for. I detected and corrected a flaw in my original premise - that observing Shaheen closely to learn from what she has created, would still be a second-hand view. I wasn't getting my hands into any of the things I wanted to build on - thereby not 'experiencing', only observing. The experience that my work there might have given me (apart from 'stability' - that evasive creature) would've been of a different kind - but not necessarily in the area of my strengths or taking me closer to my purpose.

No experience is in vain, so I won't dispute the merit in sticking on to it for longer despite the role or work not fitting in my scheme of things. However, a part of me kept me from committing to the work fully; that part which is craving for expression. This no longer became about a second-switch, as much as about giving myself a complete chance. So also, not committing after taking it up was my mistake, but I daresay the original mistake was taking it up in the first place without putting myself in the role and imagining what a day in my work-life would look like. Whether it would truly give me joy. I jumped at the chance for 'liberation' that I spoke about in my previous post, so much that I failed to think through this completely. Anyway, I have no regrets. Only lessons.

I could've titled this post 'Goodbye TFI' or 'Why I decided to move out', but in an instant realized that it would amount to defending the decision or giving an explanation. You might see some of the latter in this post, but the former is quite unnecessary. It's tempting to defend oneself when there are attacks from all around, albeit well-intended ones. But the point is to redirect that energy towards looking inward - what went behind the events, what I learn and take ahead from this, and where I intend going from here. Criticism sure can, and has been draining - especially for an idealist who also wants to see people around her happy. Hence the conscious attempt to move away from defense and look forward.

The reactions this time round have been a little different, obviously. The people who disapproved of my quitting HUL have expressed an even stronger disapproval of leaving TFI. Peers who admired that move towards 'finding what you want to do' are now intrigued and curious - several have asked me for regular updates on what I am upto and have shown a keen interest in seeing what shape this takes. My own questions within have somewhat changed - only the quest remains as it were.

Where to from here? The world of possibilities is open in front of me. Another name for this is Ambiguity. Uncertainty. Chaos. In a state where I want to do ten different things, all of which I either enjoy doing or am good at, the challenge is to prioritize and focus. Writing, teaching, theatre, voice-overs, workshops...it's a long list. And a promising one. I want to know what my role in the larger scheme of things is. What is my life's purpose? A philosophical question like this deserves more than just dinner discussions - and I'm willing to give it that.

The ocean has begun showing its turbulence...I'm learning to swim.

To an end...and a new beginning

It's been a year and a half since this blog saw some activity. Now as I turn the page on my last chapter, and begin a new one, the time is right to pause and take a look back. And ahead.

Last few months have seen a whirlwind of activity within. The recurring, albeit stray thought that I ought to be doing something meaningful with my life, came back with an unanticipated vengeance; and rightfully so. I hadn't given it its due. This time round, the thought ravaged my insides until I lived through the storm, and emerged to see the clear, blue sky. What peace clarity brings with it!

A simple switch, actually. I've quit Hindustan Unilever Ltd. (HUL) to join Teach for India (TFI). From being a Sales & Marketing trainee to being the Executive Assistant to the CEO. My new job starts tomorrow.

Calling it a 'job' almost seems demeaning. It's a response to all that I've been asking myself for years now. A respite, lest I grew into a muttering old granny going around telling kids 'I've always wanted to do something in Education. Maybe someday I will.' An answer to a calling; my heart's calling. It's an open door, a mighty promising one at that. It's an escape and an escapade, a station as well as the train, an answer and the start of a million new questions, a clue as well as the treasure itself. It's a test as well as a reward for the one just cleared. Above all, it's regaining some lost respect in my own eyes.

I wish the journey to arriving at this stage could be verbalized and put here for you to read. Words won't do justice to it all. Snippets would have to do for now. Like how I'd told Shaheen, TFI's CEO, when she'd come down to campus for a guest lecture that being from IIM A is actually making me feel more cramped than liberated. Armed with that coveted qualification, I should find it easier to do as I pleased and feel absolutely secure, right? Wrong. Quite the contrary. The expectations were enormous. From family, to start with. From people around. Friends and batchmates. Somewhere, even from myself. So much so that the tried and tested path seemed 'safer' and 'more sensible' as opposed to testing uncharted waters. But if there's one thing I've realized after all these months, it's this - one might ignore the inner voice, but one can't silence it. Like Sukhi (my ERI facilitator, and now one of my spiritual mentors) says, 'Once the soul knows the truth, it will not let you rest until you've acted upon it.' How very true. Thanks, Sukhi. You've shown me what I refused to see.

One could argue that I'm making a big deal about a small event. But ofcourse, my life's a big deal to me. Just like yours would be to you. Inside my world (I invite you to step in and take a look), this move represents 'liberation'. From external influences and internal fears, from my self-imposed limitations and stunted dreams. From confusion and misery and restlessness. Oh I'm a happy creature all right. Only that some quiet, alone evenings would bring back the question - 'What am I doing with my life?' Just that, a movie like Hazaaron Khwaaishein Aisi and the dialogue by the protagonist 'I was an arrogant, educated girl who thought she could change the world. Until I saw reality.' made me cry with desperation. Was afraid I was not too different from her. What stopped me all this while? Lack of conviction and courage. I was neither here nor there. Felt these pangs once in a while, but still didn't have the commitment my dreams asked of me; the commitment to give this a serious thought and take the plunge with utmost faith. A few weeks of working in a corporate, and this instinct surged to the fore. Life has never been the same again.

Oh I have much to thank HUL for. It's a wonderful, wonderful organisation. The people are sharp, smart, and good to work with. I had a blast with my fellow trainees. The organization nurtures its people. It gave me choices to reconsider and stay on. But I could not connect to the work, to the organization's objectives. During a guest lecture in Enterprise and Innovation in Education (EIE) at IIM A, the Principal of Sahyadri Valley School had told me during one of our in-between class discussions- 'If the employee's personal objectives don't make him work towards the organization's objectives, there's bound to be conflict. It's only when the objectives of both are aligned that a person can perform his best, and for longer.' I saw this in practice with HUL and me. So much for gyaan that comes back to you at a later date, becoming 'wisdom' from a mere 'funda'!

What saddens me a little though, is the look in the eyes of many who congratulated me. Ofcourse, it feels good to be told that one is inspiring and bold, but reading in between the lines (and into the eyes) told me that there were many around who were itching to either find their passion, or having known what it was - give it its due. It's pointless to philosophize beyond this point in this particular post, so we'll reserve that for another day. All I can say is that the response from my colleagues and some very senior managers in HUL, my professors and gurus alike has been heartening, heartwarming, and humbling.

Many have stated 'So you're finally doing what you wanted to do', in a manner that suggests a conclusion of sorts. An end of a search. Not really. There's much to unearth and explore, and I haven't even begun scratching the surface. This is the first chapter in my book titled 'The search for meaning and purpose.'

Wish me luck - I've taken out my boat and the oars, and am ready to face the sea.