One Fine Day

One Fine Day it never happens,
One Fine Day it seldom begins.
One Fine Day is too far away,
One Fine Day is not even a day.

One Fine Day is a shoddy excuse,
One Fine Day is the present's abuse.
One Fine Day is a euphemistic goodbye,
One Fine Day ensures you never try.

One Fine Day no one will care,
One Fine Day you won't even dare.
One Fine Day means you won't ever,
One Fine Day is laziness being clever.

One Fine Day is as vague as it gets,
One Fine Day is inviting regrets.
One Fine Day is to put ideas to bed,
One Fine Day you and I will be dead.

A dialogue within (I) | Body talk

'I belong to you, you belong to me'
'Oh really?!', screamed my body.
'You don't relate to me much,
nor take good care as such.
Where are you when I cry out in pain,
trying to get your attention in vain?!'

'I'm right here, and I want to listen.
With vitality I will make you glisten.
Just talk to me aloud and speak out,
instead of sulking with a pout.'

'My ways are many and subtle,
often making you run and scuttle.
The pain that bothers you so,
is my voice, didn't you know?!
The more you ignore, the louder I will yell;
my story the agony will tell.
If you take a moment or two to be still,
I will talk to you; I will.

Doctors are needed not,
right here lies what you've sought.
Breathe, and allow us to reconnect,
never letting yourself disconnect.
For if you do,
let me warn you,
it will get worse -
you have seen me rehearse!
Come back to me and love me like before;
we shall stem the tide and reach the shore.

It's mutual care, my dear.
Why store pain and fear?!
Set me free and I shall do likewise;
together in harmony we shall rise,
towards good health, energy, and zest.
Let me govern, give your mind some rest.:)'

'You speak so true, and I hear you now.
To your wisdom, I humbly bow.
I will pause and listen every once in a while
Keep talking, body, in your inimitable style!'

A dialogue within (II) | Mind matters

'It's amazing how much you control me;
I want some peace, but you just won't let me be!
Pushing and pulling in every possible way,
you tire me out every single day.
Though you're in me, you have a life of your own;
I can't remember when these seeds I'd sown!'

'You sowed these seeds everytime you let me go -
Allowed me to turn from a friend into a foe.
I'm restless and fidgety and needed to be whacked.
But instead, my whims you merrily backed.
Even some loving discipline would've done,
but you let me recklessly run.
And so now I no longer ask;
My impulses I enticingly mask'.

'Entice you do, take me on many a manipulative trip,
until on my emotions I have zero grip.
You create fanciful worlds, complex games, and drama,
but heeding you creates such a hungama!
I want to take charge, give shape to my life,
not let your volatile swings fill me with strife.'

'You can do that, my dear', said my mind,
'Some stillness and solitude you must find.
Let me jump around while you sit and observe.
Be my master, let me serve.
Meditation and awareness will get you there,
absolute responsibility you must bear.
For left to me, I won't give up control;
you risk a burning heart, a crying soul.
So seize power, seize it now!
Show me who's the boss, make me bow.'

'Oh mind, I set off on this quest again!
This time though, not in vain.
The pursuit of mastery is an on-going one;
riddled with challenges, sprinkled with fun.
You shall aid my growth, not impede it.
I will keep you in check, agile and fit.
You are a worthy ally once I show you your place.
This unique relationship I hereby embrace.'

A dialogue within (III) | Soulspeak

Who am I and who are you?
Questions that are anything but new.
You are oft referenced, but seldom understood.
Do you stand for all that's good?!

'Good and bad are your labels,
I come from the land of fables.
Without a beginning, without an end -
can your mortal mind comprehend?
You and I are separate and yet not,

I am what you have always sought.'
'You confuse me with all this.
Are you saying you are the source of all bliss?
How are we separate; in what ways same?

"You are me", can I not claim?!'
'Try to think and you risk losing sight;
move away from me and you create this plight.
I am to be experienced, not deciphered.

I am the shepherd, you are the herd.
I am a fragment of the divine,
my voice is a Universal sign.
Just like the flame that belongs to a fire,
I am a part of consciousness higher.
But the flame unto itself is also whole,
so is complete every human soul.

Your 'I' is your ego; it makes you 'you,'
weaving reality around your worldview.
Ego keeps you distinct, but also separates;
creates conflicts with the 'others', your earthly mates.
I am your anchor, your link to all that IS,
the timeless connection that is never amiss.
Connect with me, see the miracle unfold;
at every step, your hand I will hold.
I have brought you forth and will take you back.
With soul by your side, there's nothing you lack.'

'Such profundity has come my way -
guide me, oh soul, night and day.
Lift my spirits, make me congruent and whole,
that I may retain the truth as I play my worldly role.

I don't know

'I don't know'
is an excuse
a way of saying 'I don't want to know'
or that I haven't bothered to
nor will I bother right now.

'I don't know'
is a closed door
slapped shut in your face
a way of avoiding further questions
A shrug that's a full-stop.

'I don't know'
is allowing confusion to stay,
vagueness to remain.
'I don't know' is an escape.

But
'I don't know'
can also be an admission of ignorance
a show of humility
like a parent saying
'I might not always know'.
a new beginning -
'I don't know yet,
but I'm willing to find out'.
'I don't know' is opening up
to the world of multiple answers

'I don't know'
can as much be a first step
as the last one.

Onward in the search: creating a 'role'

The process of deciding the title of a post is an interesting one - not so much for literary value as for the fact that it reflects the purpose and focus of the post. Since the same event can have different connotations depending on how one looks at it, this is simply a process of attaching meaning. If this sounds cryptic, you'll know what I'm talking about as you read on.

The book of my exploration has moved forward by one more chapter. To some, it might seem regressive. But to me, no experience is - not as long as one's learning from it. Newer mistakes every time. My role at TFI didn't work out, and I ended my stint there in a month. This is an event from last week. I had a candid conversation with the CEO, and we were both uncomfortable with my continuing in the EA role. Simply put, I wasn't built for it, nor was it giving me what I was looking for. I detected and corrected a flaw in my original premise - that observing Shaheen closely to learn from what she has created, would still be a second-hand view. I wasn't getting my hands into any of the things I wanted to build on - thereby not 'experiencing', only observing. The experience that my work there might have given me (apart from 'stability' - that evasive creature) would've been of a different kind - but not necessarily in the area of my strengths or taking me closer to my purpose.

No experience is in vain, so I won't dispute the merit in sticking on to it for longer despite the role or work not fitting in my scheme of things. However, a part of me kept me from committing to the work fully; that part which is craving for expression. This no longer became about a second-switch, as much as about giving myself a complete chance. So also, not committing after taking it up was my mistake, but I daresay the original mistake was taking it up in the first place without putting myself in the role and imagining what a day in my work-life would look like. Whether it would truly give me joy. I jumped at the chance for 'liberation' that I spoke about in my previous post, so much that I failed to think through this completely. Anyway, I have no regrets. Only lessons.

I could've titled this post 'Goodbye TFI' or 'Why I decided to move out', but in an instant realized that it would amount to defending the decision or giving an explanation. You might see some of the latter in this post, but the former is quite unnecessary. It's tempting to defend oneself when there are attacks from all around, albeit well-intended ones. But the point is to redirect that energy towards looking inward - what went behind the events, what I learn and take ahead from this, and where I intend going from here. Criticism sure can, and has been draining - especially for an idealist who also wants to see people around her happy. Hence the conscious attempt to move away from defense and look forward.

The reactions this time round have been a little different, obviously. The people who disapproved of my quitting HUL have expressed an even stronger disapproval of leaving TFI. Peers who admired that move towards 'finding what you want to do' are now intrigued and curious - several have asked me for regular updates on what I am upto and have shown a keen interest in seeing what shape this takes. My own questions within have somewhat changed - only the quest remains as it were.

Where to from here? The world of possibilities is open in front of me. Another name for this is Ambiguity. Uncertainty. Chaos. In a state where I want to do ten different things, all of which I either enjoy doing or am good at, the challenge is to prioritize and focus. Writing, teaching, theatre, voice-overs, workshops...it's a long list. And a promising one. I want to know what my role in the larger scheme of things is. What is my life's purpose? A philosophical question like this deserves more than just dinner discussions - and I'm willing to give it that.

The ocean has begun showing its turbulence...I'm learning to swim.

To an end...and a new beginning

It's been a year and a half since this blog saw some activity. Now as I turn the page on my last chapter, and begin a new one, the time is right to pause and take a look back. And ahead.

Last few months have seen a whirlwind of activity within. The recurring, albeit stray thought that I ought to be doing something meaningful with my life, came back with an unanticipated vengeance; and rightfully so. I hadn't given it its due. This time round, the thought ravaged my insides until I lived through the storm, and emerged to see the clear, blue sky. What peace clarity brings with it!

A simple switch, actually. I've quit Hindustan Unilever Ltd. (HUL) to join Teach for India (TFI). From being a Sales & Marketing trainee to being the Executive Assistant to the CEO. My new job starts tomorrow.

Calling it a 'job' almost seems demeaning. It's a response to all that I've been asking myself for years now. A respite, lest I grew into a muttering old granny going around telling kids 'I've always wanted to do something in Education. Maybe someday I will.' An answer to a calling; my heart's calling. It's an open door, a mighty promising one at that. It's an escape and an escapade, a station as well as the train, an answer and the start of a million new questions, a clue as well as the treasure itself. It's a test as well as a reward for the one just cleared. Above all, it's regaining some lost respect in my own eyes.

I wish the journey to arriving at this stage could be verbalized and put here for you to read. Words won't do justice to it all. Snippets would have to do for now. Like how I'd told Shaheen, TFI's CEO, when she'd come down to campus for a guest lecture that being from IIM A is actually making me feel more cramped than liberated. Armed with that coveted qualification, I should find it easier to do as I pleased and feel absolutely secure, right? Wrong. Quite the contrary. The expectations were enormous. From family, to start with. From people around. Friends and batchmates. Somewhere, even from myself. So much so that the tried and tested path seemed 'safer' and 'more sensible' as opposed to testing uncharted waters. But if there's one thing I've realized after all these months, it's this - one might ignore the inner voice, but one can't silence it. Like Sukhi (my ERI facilitator, and now one of my spiritual mentors) says, 'Once the soul knows the truth, it will not let you rest until you've acted upon it.' How very true. Thanks, Sukhi. You've shown me what I refused to see.

One could argue that I'm making a big deal about a small event. But ofcourse, my life's a big deal to me. Just like yours would be to you. Inside my world (I invite you to step in and take a look), this move represents 'liberation'. From external influences and internal fears, from my self-imposed limitations and stunted dreams. From confusion and misery and restlessness. Oh I'm a happy creature all right. Only that some quiet, alone evenings would bring back the question - 'What am I doing with my life?' Just that, a movie like Hazaaron Khwaaishein Aisi and the dialogue by the protagonist 'I was an arrogant, educated girl who thought she could change the world. Until I saw reality.' made me cry with desperation. Was afraid I was not too different from her. What stopped me all this while? Lack of conviction and courage. I was neither here nor there. Felt these pangs once in a while, but still didn't have the commitment my dreams asked of me; the commitment to give this a serious thought and take the plunge with utmost faith. A few weeks of working in a corporate, and this instinct surged to the fore. Life has never been the same again.

Oh I have much to thank HUL for. It's a wonderful, wonderful organisation. The people are sharp, smart, and good to work with. I had a blast with my fellow trainees. The organization nurtures its people. It gave me choices to reconsider and stay on. But I could not connect to the work, to the organization's objectives. During a guest lecture in Enterprise and Innovation in Education (EIE) at IIM A, the Principal of Sahyadri Valley School had told me during one of our in-between class discussions- 'If the employee's personal objectives don't make him work towards the organization's objectives, there's bound to be conflict. It's only when the objectives of both are aligned that a person can perform his best, and for longer.' I saw this in practice with HUL and me. So much for gyaan that comes back to you at a later date, becoming 'wisdom' from a mere 'funda'!

What saddens me a little though, is the look in the eyes of many who congratulated me. Ofcourse, it feels good to be told that one is inspiring and bold, but reading in between the lines (and into the eyes) told me that there were many around who were itching to either find their passion, or having known what it was - give it its due. It's pointless to philosophize beyond this point in this particular post, so we'll reserve that for another day. All I can say is that the response from my colleagues and some very senior managers in HUL, my professors and gurus alike has been heartening, heartwarming, and humbling.

Many have stated 'So you're finally doing what you wanted to do', in a manner that suggests a conclusion of sorts. An end of a search. Not really. There's much to unearth and explore, and I haven't even begun scratching the surface. This is the first chapter in my book titled 'The search for meaning and purpose.'

Wish me luck - I've taken out my boat and the oars, and am ready to face the sea.